Be Happily Married- Even If Your Partner Won't Do a Thing Read online

  We see this type of “mind over matter” in Western society, too. The “placebo effect” has been heavily researched, and we’ve seen everything from sugar pills having the same effect as Prozac to people getting drunk off non-alcoholic beer to fake surgeries improving health.

  So, when I say that by having a clear intention and consistent focus, you can transform fear and doubt into hope and possibility, I’m serious (and there’s research out there to back me up).

  Action Tips

  At this point, you understand why self-awareness and learning to train your attention where you want it, when you want it, is critical. Now you’re ready to take some action.

  In my experience, many people are turned off to the idea of self-awareness and attention training because they think they’ll need to meditate for an hour a day or something like that. You actually don’t need to meditate at all (although that’s a great technique, too). There are lots of other tools to learn to stay focused in the here and now. Here are two to get you started:

  Tip #1:

  Stop and bring yourself to the present moment every time you eat something for the next week.

  Tip #2:

  Set a reminder on your phone to alert you at three different times during your day (e.g., 9:00am, 1:00pm and 6:00pm). When you hear that reminder, simply notice where your mind was as non-judgmentally as possible (being non-judgmental is often the hardest part).

  Gently bring your mind back to focus fully on whatever you're doing. If you're washing the dishes when you hear the alert and you realize that you've been planning the rest of your day, replaying an argument with your partner over and over in your head or thinking about what you want to have for lunch, just bring your attention back to how your hands feel in the warm, soapy water and focus on washing the dish in your hand. This practice will train your brain to pay attention at other times, so, even when there's no alert, you’ll begin to notice yourself paying attention in a moment.

  For you overachievers, if you like these Action Tips but want more, you can download my FREE Bonus Toolkit at www.abbymedcalf.com/bonustoolkit

  * * *

  13 http://www.wilsonlab.com/publications/2016_JHSE_McGill_et_al.pdf

  14 http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17935531

  15 https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/does_mind_wandering_make_you_unhappy

  16 https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2010/11/wandering-mind-not-a-happy-mind/

  17 http://www.mindfulnessmalta.com/user_files/2/mindfulness-and-relationships.pdf

  18 http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/can_mindfulness_reduce_conflict_in_relationships

  19 https://news.wisc.edu/study-shows-compassion-meditation-changes-the-brain/

  20 https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2002/04/meditation-changes-temperatures/

  Chapter Four

  Key #2:

  The Importance of Answering Bids

  Now that you’re a self-awareness ninja, you’re ready for the second key to a long and happy marriage, which is all about something called “bids.” Bids are a term coined by marriage researcher John Gottman.21 They are basically any attempt you or your partner makes to connect. The key is to move toward your partner and “answer” their bid in a positive way (even if they’re not doing the same for you).

  Your partner has been making bids for a long time, but you probably miss at least half of them. Your partner might comment on a movie they’re watching, a bird they saw outside or about something that happened at work. Maybe they ask a question about what you’d like for dinner, or where you’d like to go on vacation or if you’d like to go for a walk. You’ve likely been tracking these as simple comments or questions that don’t mean much. However, they’re actually quite important. Any bid needs your attention.

  Your partner isn’t just mentioning something, they’re actually looking for your interest or support, hoping to connect with you about whatever it is they’re bringing up. It’s generally not a conscious thought to bond, but it’s a bid at connection nonetheless.

  Think back on conversations you’ve had with your partner over the last week or two. Think about all the times you thought they were just making an off-hand comment, nagging or mindlessly saying something. That’s not the case. Every time your partner makes a comment, they’re making a bid.

  Let me give you a fabulous example from my very own life: My man is really into working out and being physical. He loves it. He says crazy things like, “Oooh, I get to go work out.” (I know, it seems like he should take medication for this, but the doctor actually says this thinking is healthy!) Right now, he’s really into Spartan races.22 Maybe you’ve seen these on TV. Men and women run a five- to ten-mile course while crawling through mud, over walls and basically getting through tons of obstacles that most people wouldn’t want to attempt unless they were running from a herd of wildebeests.

  He recently completed a race and, in the weeks leading up to it, wanted to watch Spartan races on TV and would constantly look at different exercises and courses on the internet. He would often call me over to look at a video of someone jumping over fire or to watch one of the races on TV. Here’s the thing: every time he says something like, “This is a cool course,” or “Wow! I can’t believe how this guy did this,” he’s not just commenting on the activity. He’s actually making a bid.

  I could ignore his comments or nod my head benignly and smile, but these wouldn’t be connecting answers to his bids. Instead, I get my butt up and sit next to him while he’s watching something. I comment myself on what I’m seeing or ask questions about an exercise or course. In other words, I answer his bid and connect. I go with him to most races, take pictures and get excited for him. I’ve made little movies of his races, driven him to and from races, flown to other states with him to cheer him on, bought him gear (who knew you could order a spear on Amazon?) and I’ve filled a bath with ice back at the hotel room (I don’t mind telling you that’s a lot of trips to the ice machine), so he could cool his sore muscles after a race.

  Now, is this something I’m interested in otherwise? No, it’s not (I can’t even wear my stilettos at these things—barbaric!). However, I really do get excited with him because I’m a “Gary fan,” even though I'm not an “obstacle course fan.”

  Now, don’t get me wrong. There are times I just can’t watch another race or video. However, I consciously try to make those times the exception, not the rule. No one is perfect (not even me), so this isn’t about answering every bid, but it is about making them a priority. Gottman calls this “turning toward” instead of “turning away” from the bid and your partner. You have a choice, every time, in how you respond.

  If your partner thinks politics, your children, what’s for dinner or cats are important enough to bring up, then you need to recognize and respect that. Another, more common, example of this might be when a wife asks a husband what he wants for dinner. Often the husband will say, “I don’t care; whatever’s easiest for you.” This is not answering the wife’s bid. This is dismissing her feelings and acting like dinner isn’t something important, even though the wife might spend a lot of time thinking about healthy meals to make, shopping and cooking.

  I’m not saying the wife thinks cooking dinner is the most important thing in the world, but it’s something that occupies a lot more of her time and head space than most would imagine, and she’d like to be supported and appreciated for that. How you do that isn’t just by saying “Thanks for a great meal” or “I really appreciate all the work you put into this” (although that’s nice, too). To really answer this bid, you’d need to be part of the planning and process of making dinner. Give a suggestion, “How about chicken tonight? I really like how you did those BBQ drumsticks a few weeks ago.” Or maybe you could ask some questions: “What are the choices you’ve got on hand?”; “Is there anything that feels easiest to you?”; “Do you want me to fire up the grill?” or “Would you rather we went out tonight instead of you cooking?”

  The point is to get into a bit of a dialogue about it. It doesn’t have to be an hour-long conversation, but stop what you’re doing, look up and give your full attention and put some skin in the game. That’s it.

  Turning away from a bid could look like a lot of things, such as

  Dismissing or ignoring

  Continuing whatever you were doing without stopping (like not looking up from your computer, TV or book)

  Allowing your attention to be diverted easily, such as hearing the ding on your phone and checking your text messages while your partner is talking (note to self: unless you're due for emergency surgery, you can wait five minutes to check your phone)

  Interrupting or changing the subject

  Simply saying “no” as your automatic response

  Sometimes, bids are even met with outright hostility, “Why do you keep bugging me about this?” or “Why are you interrupting me while I’m in the middle of making dinner/watching the game/answering emails?”

  Gottman says of turning away from bids, “These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had ‘turn-toward bids’ only 33% of the time.”23

  In other words, only three out of every ten bids for emotional connection were met with support, interaction and intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. In other words, these couples were getting their emotional needs met nine times out of every ten bid attempts.

  When marriages are struggling, I hear the same thing over and over: “We don’t communicate.” This is the place to start. Having deep conversations when the trust and connection is thin or broken down is not the way to go. You’ve got to start with these micro-connections. You’ve got to start with where the interest is, not where you want it to be. Especially if your partner isn’t willing to put in any real effort right now.

  If your partner doesn’t want to work on the relationship, having heavy conversations about it isn’t going to help because your partner isn’t where you are! Instead of trying to push or control that, meet your partner where they’re at and start with the bids they’re making.

  When your partner starts seeing your interest and caring, they start to feel more connected to you. They start to feel like you’re on the same team. Once you get to this place consistently, you build trust. If you want to have those deeper conversations, it has to be from a connected and trusting place in the relationship.

  Real-Life Example:

  I worked with a woman we’ll call Colleen. Her husband, Santiago, LOVED soccer. He had played as a kid in Argentina, watched all the soccer he could on TV, played in two different soccer leagues (it was three, but Colleen put her foot down on that one) and he coached a kids’ soccer team that both his daughters played for.

  Colleen came to me ready to get rid of Santiago: “All he cares about is soccer: soccer with his friends, for himself or with the girls. I’m sick of it. He never wants to do anything with me, and I’ve asked over and over for him to make us a date night or something. He’ll do all this planning for his teams, but nothing for us. He won’t even come into therapy to talk about all this.”

  I told her to start answering his bids and to figure out ways she could support the soccer without feeling like it was taking over her own life. She resisted this idea at first, saying, “That’s just going to make it even worse if I pay attention to the soccer!” I assured her it was worth a try and not to be afraid to answer any bids he was making.

  Colleen came into her next session already amazed. “First of all, I didn’t realize how often he makes bids that I was ignoring or even getting mad about!”

  She told me how she soon saw that Santiago would often try to connect first thing in the morning when he had a lot of energy: “I didn’t realize that he was trying to speak to me in the mornings because I was always so focused on the girls and getting them ready and out the door on time.” Colleen often waited until the very last second to wake up in the mornings and then rushed around like crazy, with no time for Santiago (or herself).

  To correct this, Colleen started getting up 15 minutes earlier (eventually it even became 30 minutes earlier) so she could focus more on Santiago (and herself) in the mornings: “I can’t believe what a difference that little bit of time makes. I used to think there was no way I could get up earlier, that sleep was the most important thing. Now I know my relationship is the most important thing and giving up a little sleep is so worth it!”

  Colleen and Santiago started having small connections and conversations in the mornings that were light and loving. Without all the rushing, Colleen started to really focus on Santiago and what he was saying. She realized that he was often trying to get her engaged in a conversation (and not just about soccer), but she was blowing him off. Then, later, she’d try to have these conversations when Santiago was preoccupied with other things and he’d blow her off. Someone had to stop this relationship gridlock and be the first to make a move, and it was Colleen.

  After just two months, she came in and said, “I’m loving these morning times with Santiago. We hang out and drink coffee just for 10 or 15 minutes, but it’s so nice. Both of us are fresh and it’s a great way to start the day. I feel better about him for the rest of the day and have better thoughts because of this great start every morning. We’ve even had sex in the morning twice!”

  Colleen also started to focus more on making sure Santiago’s soccer clothes were clean and put back in his bag for practices, that she packed snacks for him to take with him and even went to a few games (something she hadn’t done in years).

  In another session, she told me, “I can’t believe the turnaround in him and never would have believed this would work! He’s more attentive and he’s actually asking me questions about my life! I was worried that focusing more on soccer would make it even bigger, but it did the opposite. He actually stopped watching a game the other night to sit and talk with me! It’s not perfect, and I’d still like to see less focus on soccer, but it’s so much better and I didn’t really need to do much but change my head about all this.”

  This is what happens when we start to show an active interest in what’s important to our partner. They feel seen and appreciated and, in turn, want to connect with us.

  Action Tips

  Tip #1:

  You’ll notice that staying in the here and now and not allowing yourself to get distracted is the best way to ensure that you’re aware when bids are made so you can turn toward them instead of turning away. If you haven’t done one of the Action Tips from Key #1, Self-Awareness, choose one now to start doing. If you’ve already been doing one of the tips, continue to practice so these tools become habits.

  Tip #2:

  Make a commitment to say “yes” to whatever your partner asks for the next week. Any bid they make, jump in with enthusiasm. It might be a walk, watching something on TV together, a blow job or helping with dinner, but, whatever it is, just say “Yes!” You’ll notice more intimacy and connection right away.

  For you overachievers, if you like these Action Tips but want more, you can download my FREE Bonus Toolkit at www.abbymedcalf.com/bonustoolkit

  * * *

  21 https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/

  22 http://www.spartan.com/en

  23 https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-emotional-bids-and-trust/

  Chapter Five

  Key #3:

  Set an Intention

  of Kindness

  How your relationship feels day to day boils down to what energy, attitude and thoughts you’re bringing to the relationship. Are you focusing on being kind, generous, open, loving and patient? Or are you generally bringing criticism, hostility, contempt or negativity?

  Research24 has shown that kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood and validated. Kindness makes people feel loved.

  If you’re spending time focusing on all the things wrong with your partner, you’ll start to see the negative everywhere. Essentially, you’ll start proving yourself right. This happens because of a little-known, but very important, part of your brain circuitry called your reticular activating system, or RAS for short.25

  Your RAS is like a filter between your conscious and subconscious minds. It takes instructions from your conscious mind and passes them on to your subconscious. You’re constantly giving your RAS instructions by what you’re thinking about—the problem is that you don't even realize it. If you’re thinking, “My partner is always judging and criticizing me,” the RAS hears this as the instruction or order: “look for my partner criticizing me.” Sure enough, your partner is “always” criticizing—you hear it constantly. The RAS is one of the reasons why you’ll suddenly notice a lot of pregnant women when you’re pregnant or the amount of Nissan Pathfinders on the road after you buy one.

  If you’re thinking, “If she’d only stop nagging me every day, I could breathe and get to everything on my list,” or “If he’d only stop drinking so much, we’d be great,” or “The only problem in our relationship is his anger,” you’re essentially telling that RAS to look for nagging, drinking and anger and it will find it…. OFTEN!