Be Happily Married- Even If Your Partner Won't Do a Thing Read online

  Be Happily

  Married

  Even If Your Partner

  Won’t Do a Thing

  Abby Medcalf, Ph.D.

  Copyright © 2019 Abby Medcalf Thriving, LLC

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

  www.abbymedcalf.com

  For orders or inquiries, please use the form on the website.

  This book will give you everything you need to create a happy, connected and fulfilled relationship, even if your partner won’t do a thing. But, for those of you looking for even more, you can download my free Be Happily Married Tool Kit at www.abbymedcalf.com/bonustoolkit.

  “Abby was the 7th couples’ therapist we tried. I wish she had been our first. We wouldn’t have wasted all that money and time on the other six. We read her book, followed the clear tips she outlines and our relationship was completely transformed.” – Eric G.

  “Thank you for this book Abby. We’re so grateful to you. It’s not just our marriage you saved. But our family. When I look into my children’s eyes, I thank you.” – Elisa M.

  “I was never able to stick with things before. Then I read Abby’s book. Now I’ve got new ways of acting and being in my relationship and I’ve changed my marriage for good.” – Andrea J.

  “Finally! A book that makes sense! You really can make changes without rehashing your whole relationship or working on it for hours a week! Why doesn’t everyone do it this way?” – Janice O.

  “This book is like marriage cliff notes!” – Tess B.

  “I didn’t believe that I really could change my relationship because my husband refused to do anything. After reading Abby’s book and using her simple tips, my relationship feels more connected and happy. I’m a believer!”– Saanvi G.

  “I’ve read every book out there but this is the one that worked. I’d lost hope and didn’t think I’d ever really have a happy marriage. My husband and I were actually laughing together the other day – that hasn’t happened in years...I wish I’d read this book years ago.” – Teresa T

  “Read the book, follow the clear steps, and there’s no way you won’t see positive changes within a few short weeks!”

  – Jonathan B

  Dedication

  This book is dedicated to all the clients I’ve served. I never could’ve written this book without you. Your honesty, openness, courage and willingness to keep trying helped me figure out what truly works to create happy, connected and fulfilled relationships, even if your partner won’t do a thing.

  Table of Contents

  Dedication

  Table of Contents

  Acknowledgments

  Introduction

  Chapter One - This is the Last Relationship Book You’ll Ever Have to Read

  Chapter Two - Just How Committed Are You?

  Chapter Three - Self-Awareness

  Chapter Four - Key #2: The Importance of Answering Bids

  Chapter Five - Key #3: Set an Intention of Kindness

  Chapter Six - Key #4: Be Vulnerable (It’s not as scary as you think)

  Chapter Seven - Key #5: Your Lizard Brain and Why You Need to Say “Yes” First

  Chapter Eight - Key #6: Ask Questions and Don’t SAC Your Relationship

  Chapter Nine - Key #7: Bring Your Sexy Back

  Chapter Ten - Key #8: Be Positive

  Chapter Eleven - Key #9: Keeping Score in Your Relationship Makes You Lose

  Chapter Twelve - KEY 10: Forgiveness

  Conclusion

  Thank you for downloading this book!

  Author Biography

  Acknowledgments

  I’m so grateful for all the support I’ve received personally and professionally so I could write this book. On a personal note, I’d like to thank my incredible man, Gary. Your unwavering support and faith in me means so much. I simply couldn’t ask for a better partner to go through life with. I’d also like to thank my awesome children, Max and Macartney, for being so understanding and loving as I took time away from you to work on this book. Finally, a shout out to my league of besties who support me in every imaginable way: Rhonda Davis, Stephanie Baer-Spoden, Suzette DeWinter, and Rochelle Lenahan.

  Professionally, I’d like to acknowledge my fabulous coach, Jadah Sellner; my colleague in crime, Tess Brigham; my spot-on publisher, Azul Terronez; my inspiring consulting group, Scott, Tim, Andy, Dave and Stephanie; and my awesome Online Empire Manager, Brigid Ward.

  Introduction

  Welcome to my world—I’m so happy you’re here!

  The book you’re reading is the culmination of over 25 years of working with individuals and couples who wanted to create lasting changes in their relationships.

  My goal is, above all, to provide practical, usable tools that WORK—not unproven ideas or pie-in-the-sky theories that sound good but do little to help you in your day-to-day life. I use my hands-on experience and my background in both psychology and business (and my humor) to create tips and tools that work to transform any relationship into a connected communication machine, even if your partner won’t do a thing.

  Each of the chapters in this book is another key to your success. I know you’re probably in a rush to get started, but I’m going to ask you to make sure you read each chapter thoroughly and take the time to figure out how you’re going to incorporate each chapter’s Action Tips into your daily life.

  As you read, you’ll see that this book is written from the point of view of married, heterosexual couples, since that’s about 70 percent of my practice. However, this information applies liberally to anyone attempting a long-term partnership, including those who aren’t married, the polyamorous and gay or lesbian couples. So, if you’re trying to be in a romantic relationship, no matter who you are, this book can help.

  At the end of the day, there’s really nothing more important than your relationship with your significant other. Think about it: you can have a great day at work, but if your home is filled with tension and hostility, your life will suck. However, even if you have a crappy day at work or out in the world, if you come home and it feels peaceful and loving, your life will feel satisfying and whole. Knowing this, how can you NOT make your relationship your priority?

  Ready to create an amazing relationship? It’s time to dive in!

  Looking forward to hearing all about your success,

  Abby

  Chapter One

  This is the Last Relationship Book You’ll Ever Have

  to Read

  If you’re reading this, it’s likely not the first thing you’ve tried to improve your relationship. Maybe you’ve been to couples’ counseling, attended a workshop, read blog posts, taken notes from other books and looked at every video with the hashtag #HappyMarriage you could find.

  You’ve done these things, you made some changes, but soon found yourself backsliding into old behavior and repeating negative patterns. You’re thinking things like

  “I can’t make my relationship better because my partner refuses to make any changes.”

  “Why can’t we ever make changes that stick?!”

  “This is going to take too long. We’ve been this way for years, a
nd I don’t have the energy to work on this for the next decade!”

  “I already have so much on my plate; I can’t imagine fitting in one more thing!”

  All of this thinking is wrong. (Yeah, I said it.) The reason you’ve been struggling is due to three crucial factors that I’m going to explain to you right now. Once you understand these components, you’ll see why this book is completely different than any other relationship book and why it can be the last relationship book you’ll ever have to read! You’re going to learn how to easily create the happy and connected relationship you’ve been craving (and it won’t take a ton of your time).

  Reason #1

  You Haven’t Been Successful Before:

  Your first problem is that you’ve been basing your life on the idea that there are 24 hours in a day. You look at each day, see all the things you need to get done, and divide all this by the hours you’ve got. Work, taking care of kids, grocery shopping, volunteering for your kid’s bake sale at school, commuting, going to the gym and cleaning up your house (and yourself) all get fit into a schedule for the day. You likely end each day feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and with half the things on your to-do list left undone. (No, I don’t have hidden cameras in your house.)

  With thinking like this, it’s no wonder you have no energy for sex, self-care or all the amazing ideas outlined in great books like this! The secret to ending this hopeless cycle is to stop thinking of your day based on 24 hours.

  Instead, I want you to think of your day as being comprised of Apps. I’m about to rock your world with a whole new way of looking at it, so give me a minute to explain.

  I want you to think of your brain as being like your smartphone. Right now, you’ve got a bunch of Apps on your phone. Some of these Apps take up a lot of space and drain the battery on your phone quickly. Others are smaller, but still do their share of wearing down that energy source.

  The Apps on your phone are things like your calendar, solitaire and iTunes. The Apps in your brain are equivalent to ALL the things you’ve got going on in your day-to-day life: work, commuting, getting kids shuttled around, grocery shopping, cleaning, eating, basic self-care (if you’ve even got that on your list), answering your emails and returning phone calls (do people even do that anymore?).

  Now, there are also a bunch of Apps running in the background of your brain. You know how you’ve got to “quit” the Apps on your phone or they’ll drain your battery? Well, the same is true for all these “hidden” Apps in your life that are secretly draining your energy: your aging mom in Florida, that root canal you’ve been putting off, the gray hair you found this morning (and it wasn’t even on your head!), whether Johnny will get picked for the baseball team, the school auction you volunteered for, that 10 pounds you want to lose, getting summer camps and vacations scheduled, the fact that you spent too much money yesterday, that big project at work, that bitch Barbara at work, the fight you had last week with your sister… need I go on?!?!

  Just like the Apps on your phone, all these Apps in your life are draining you.

  Now, the battery on your smartphone is made up of electronic stuff. The battery that is YOU is made up of willpower. That’s right. All these Apps in your life run on your willpower.

  Let me tell you a few things about willpower. Willpower is the control you exert to do anything or resist any impulses. A happy, balanced, meaningful life is all about resisting urges and impulses. Want to be productive? You’ve got to resist the urge to scroll through Facebook (again) or check that alert on your phone while you’re busy with something else. Want to lose weight? You’ve got to resist the cravings for unhealthy foods all day or resist the urge to keep eating the rest of that donut after you’ve had one bite. Want to get to the gym? You’ve got to resist the yearning to go back to sleep in the morning when your alarm goes off at an ungodly hour or resist the inclination to sit on your couch binge-watching This is Us.

  Your willpower is at the center of all this. The problem is that your willpower is an exhaustible resource. This means that you wake up each morning with a certain amount of willpower and, as your day goes on, you start draining that willpower battery with all the Apps you’ve got running (even those Apps you don’t realize you’re thinking about).

  You exhaust your willpower with every single decision and frustration you have all day. The more you’ve got to think, the more it drains. The more annoyed, worried or anxious you are, the more your willpower battery is drained.

  Habits are a big part of willpower. Habits are things you don’t have to think much about because, by definition, these are things you do automatically. While healthy habits add to your willpower allowance for the day, unhealthy habits take away from your daily willpower allotment.

  Let’s take working out. This is a healthy habit that will definitely add to your willpower. Monday through Friday, I wake up very early and go to the gym. I’ve been doing it for a few years, so now it’s a habit. When the alarm goes off in the morning, I don’t decide to get up and work out. It’s already decided—I don’t think, I just do.

  Now, I am NOT someone who likes working out. As a matter of fact, I tried to get my butt to exercise for years, with no consistent success. That alarm would go off way too early and my first thoughts were: “NOOOOOO! Why did I think I wanted to get up this early? I need to sleep.” At which point, I’d promptly turn off my alarm or hit the snooze button 27 times.

  How did I finally make this one stick? I realized I was draining my willpower on too many fronts and had too many Apps open. To be successful, I needed to close some Apps and not drain my willpower with so many new habits at the same time.

  For example, I realized I was always trying to eat perfectly whenever I started a workout plan. I would add all these new, stressful things to my life at once: going to the gym (How do I work these machines? What exactly should I even do when I get there? Do I look stupid? I hate all these mirrors highlighting my ass!). Then I added my new diet (What should I eat and when? I needed to grocery shop, figure out how to cook these new foods, look at recipes and make things that my family would still like). On top of that, since I was waking up earlier to work out, I needed to get to bed earlier the night before (or at least try), so I felt more pressure to get things done quicker each evening (kids to bed, clean the dishes, answer emails). It was all too much!!

  So, I decided to just focus on one new thing at a time (working out) and to get help to make me accountable so it would be easier to stick to my new habit. I stopped trying to eat perfectly and added a personal trainer. The trainer decided when I would work out, how often and what we were doing. I only needed to show up (very little willpower used there). I kept the trainer for three months (more about why I did it for three months in a minute). It was expensive, but I knew it wasn’t forever. It was a short-term investment in myself.

  I was also very clear with the trainer that we were not going to talk about my food, weigh me or anything else. The goal was to have workouts that I could do on my own easily at the end of the three months. No new-fangled apparatus every workout, no changes every single session. Just clear, simple things that I could do later on my own. Adding help, shrinking the change to as few variables as possible and taking away other new things were the keys to my success.

  The big secret that’s been undermining your success is this: when you’re learning a new habit, even a healthy one like working out, meditating, eating well or practicing what you learned in a self-help book, it drains your willpower! It’s because you have to think so much and constantly redirect yourself.

  If you’re starting to eat a healthy breakfast, that’s great. However, it’s going to sap your willpower initially. Until it becomes a habit, it drains your willpower instead of adding to it! Cooking new food, deciding what to eat, shopping for the groceries when you haven’t before and redirecting yourself from your impulse to eat a big bagel all put a strain on your willpower. r />
  You know that, eventually, eating a healthy breakfast is going to really improve your life: you’ll have more energy, your day will start off on a good food-note, which means you’ll likely eat better for the rest of the day, and you’ll lose weight (according to a huge amount of research).

  In the end, if you make eating a healthy breakfast a habit, it will absolutely improve your life and increase your willpower! It’s a great thing to do. However, until eating a healthy breakfast becomes a habit, it will drain your willpower.

  It’s the same with what you’re going through right now. Your relationship is a huge App that’s draining you on so many levels. Getting it to a happy, connected and satisfying place will TOTALLY improve your life, happiness and energy level. However, doing the work to get there is going to initially put more strain on your life.

  The mistake most people make when they look to improve their relationship is they add stuff that they need to do themselves, so they add stress: they add reading a book, date nights, couples’ counseling, etc. But where does this go in your already very full life? There’s no room to add if you’re the one doing the legwork!

  When individuals or couples come to my office, the first thing I ask them is, “What are you going to take off your plate, so you can work on your relationship?” They mistakenly think that making the commitment to the time it takes to come to therapy is their only priority.

  They account for the time, but not

  for the Apps.

  It doesn’t need to be hard to change your relationship, but it does take concerted, consistent effort. Where is that bandwidth going to come from? You need room in your head to think about and mentally incorporate these new concepts, not just the time to practice them.

  Think about how many times you’ve told yourself you’ll finish some project, go to the gym or meet up with friends on some weeknight. You work all day at whatever you do: You commute, make decisions, prepare, worry and run around. You get home, eat dinner and have the whole night in front of you. By 7:00pm, however, most folks are mentally exhausted. Yes, you still have “time,” or hours, until you go to bed, but all you want to do is binge-watch something on Netflix and eat the things you didn’t allow yourself all day. (Again, no, I don’t have hidden cameras in your home.)