Be Happily Married- Even If Your Partner Won't Do a Thing Page 5

  Researchers26 have found that the couples who look for things to appreciate are happier and stay married longer than those who are always looking for their partner’s mistakes. The best way to be appreciative and focus on the positive is to keep it simple and just focus on being kind.

  Kindness should be bottled as

  Couples’ Glue.

  The research shows that it creates all the things you’re looking for: affection, bonding, validation and more kindness as your partner reacts, well, in kind (pun intended).27

  Open doors, say “please” and “thank you,” go out of your way to do something nice for your partner, fold the laundry even when it’s not “your turn,” you get the idea. Be kind early and often. You can do things like buy her flowers or small gifts, give him a blow job (there’s no research I could find on this specifically, but in my experience it’s 100 percent effective for creating a good mood in my man) or rub your partner’s feet. I also want you to just think kind thoughts day to day and weave kindness into the fabric of your interactions with your partner.

  One way you can be kind is to assume the best in your partner. Your husband isn’t deliberately trying to annoy you if he walks by the overflowing garbage can; your wife didn’t deliberately forget to pick up your dry cleaning and your partner really didn’t see the dog poop in the living room and purposefully leave it for you to clean up (OK, that’s a stretch, but you get where I’m going here).

  One of my clients talks about focusing on having “the most generous interpretation of life events.” I love this. Cashier at the grocery store rude and short? Think that maybe he’s having a hard day and hates his job. Driver in front of you cut you off? Think that maybe she didn’t see your car and how we all make mistakes (I, myself, have accidentally cut off other drivers because I didn’t see them). Your partner comes home in a bad mood? Think that they must have had a hard day and need extra love and compassion.

  If your partner says something to you that you don’t like, take a moment and try to give the most generous interpretation. In other words, give them the benefit of the doubt first. Maybe you could think, “Well, my husband has never been the most thoughtful guy, but he does show me he loves me by how hard he works to provide for me and the kids.” Or “I don’t love that my wife told me I didn’t clean the counter right, but I’ve got to remember that she’s worried about her mom, and she gets controlling when she’s feeling frightened.”

  Assume your partner is always doing their best with the tools they have at the time. Even when they screw up, it likely wasn’t intended to be all bad, so show some grace, give them a break, and appreciate whatever good intent was at the bottom of whatever happened.

  Intentions happen all the time, usually unconsciously. Setting intention is literally the opposite. It’s having your intentions or your thoughts consciously directed toward a desired outcome.

  Merriam-Webster dictionary defines an intention as “the thing that you plan to do or achieve: an aim or purpose.” This simple definition is perfect because it outlines what intentions really do, at their very core: they give you a target and something to shoot for.

  I define intention as a guiding principle for how you want to be, live and show up in the world. It’s a way to bring your heart and mind into alignment.

  I don’t want you to confuse intentions with goals. You don’t want to attach an expectation to your intention. Unlike goals, intentions often aren’t tangible. Get that promotion, put money in retirement every month, and lose 10 pounds are all goals. You will evaluate and measure these goals. You don’t do that with intentions.

  To set an intention, you really just want to ask yourself: “How do I want to feel in my relationship?” You can use this answer to set your intention. Then, you’ll reflect back to your partner what you want.

  Examples of intention would go something like this: “It’s my intention to

  Be patient and kind in all my interactions today.”

  Listen attentively when my partner speaks to me.”

  Be responsible and trustworthy.”

  Only speak when I need to.”

  Find fun and laughter in my relationship today.”

  Be compassionate with my partner today.”

  Notice my partner’s mood.”

  Practice active listening in all my interactions today.”

  Notice what I’m feeling before I speak.”

  Pay attention to the answers people give me.”

  Be generous with my partner.”

  Keep your intentions simple and as short as possible so you can remind yourself of them often. You can set multiple intentions, but it’s best to set only one or two per day.

  Real-Life Example

  When Jeannine came to me, she spent the first hour just complaining about her husband, Mike. Every time I told her it wasn’t going to be helpful to use the time complaining, she would say, “Oh yes, you’re right.” But, within minutes, she was back to blaming and criticizing.

  It was clear that thinking negatively about Mike had become a long-standing habit and she wasn’t even aware that she was doing it constantly. We worked on self-awareness together so that she could notice when she was doing this and shift her focus. She started setting daily intentions to be kind, gracious and patient.

  Gradually, Jeannine started to be more aware of just how often she was looking at her husband’s faults (which, by her admission, was pretty much all the time). She started to focus, daily, on being kind to him and trying to see what he was doing well. In the beginning, the only good thing she could think of was the fact that he went to work every day to financially support the family.

  However, over time, she started to notice many more things he did that were good or great: often complimenting her and thanking her for making dinner, always leaving the toilet seat down (she didn’t appreciate this until one of her other friends was complaining about how her husband always left the toilet seat up!), how great a dad he was to their daughter and giving her the parking space in the garage so it was safer and easier for her to get in and out of the house.

  In just a month’s time, Jeannine came into session in a great mood. She said, “Once I started changing my mindset from focusing on the negative to being kind, all sorts of things started popping up. I started thanking him for the things he was doing and we started getting along better. He started listening more to me and asking if he could help. We started laughing more. Things just started snowballing in a great direction—all because I was setting this intention to be nicer every day.”

  But, the best part was how she started feeling day to day: “I think I was depressed before and now I feel happier. I still want my marriage to improve, but I feel hope and that’s making me feel happier. I’ve even had two people tell me I looked younger, and I think it’s this work I’m doing!”

  Setting an intention of kindness is a way to know, every day, that you’re doing your part to make the relationship better. No matter what comes at you, you can feel more confident that your side of the street is clean. It’s never a mistake to be kind to your partner. If you want a loving relationship, you can’t be stuck in fear and negativity. Those things never add up to love. Kindness is an awesome place to start any loving relationship.

  Wayne Dyer said, “Our intention creates our reality” and the Buddha said, “The mind is everything. What you think, you become.” Focus on what you’re thinking about and set an intention to be kind to your partner today.

  Action Tips

  Tip #1:

  It’s important to give your partner and family the best of yourself, not the dregs of what’s left over after a long workday. Walking in the door and saying, “Hi Honey, how was your day?” gets you crappy results like “good” or “fine.” You’re on autopilot and you’re not going to have the best and healthiest interactions this way. This is another way we get into fights, have misunderstandings and feel disconnected.

  Setting intention before we interact helps create immediate connection. Setting intention means you’re going to actively and consciously think of how you want to be with your partner. You can set an intention to be open, patient, fun, curious or whatever floats your boat. But the very best intention is to be kind.28

  My clients report that setting intention consistently is one of the single most effective tools I’ve ever given them.

  Make a commitment to set an intention daily before you walk in your house. Every time you get to your door, stop, set a conscious intention and then walk in. If you’re home and you hear your partner entering the house, do the same. Stop and consciously set an intention before you greet them. The more often you set intention, the better your life will be.

  If you’re practicing the mindful/self-awareness tips from Chapter One, you can set intention every time your mindfulness reminder alert goes off in the day. You can remember what to do with the acronym SINGS. You’re going to

  Stop whatever you’re doing

  Inhale and exhale consciously for one breath

  Notice where your mind was and what you were thinking about

  Gently bring your attention back to the present

  Set an intention for how you’d like to be moving forward in your day.

  Tip #2:

  Remember the RAS I talked about earlier? You can deliberately program the RAS by thoughtfully choosing the exact messages you send. If you really want to find fulfillment, happiness and connection with your partner, you need to shift what you’re focusing on and be conscious of the orders you’re giving to your RAS.

  To do this, text your partner one thing you’re grateful for about them every day, for one week. If you don’t want to text them, start keeping a journal about what you appreciate about your partner. Write something in it, every day for (at least) one week.

  For you overachievers, if you like these Action Tips but want more, you can download my FREE Bonus Toolkit at www.abbymedcalf.com/bonustoolkit

  * * *

  24 http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/

  25 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjL7nliUTz4

  26 http://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/cfp/

  27 http://www.pnas.org/content/107/12/5334.abstract

  28 http://www.abbymedcalf.com/learn-to-set-intention-with-this-1-minute-video/

  Chapter Six

  Key #4:

  Be Vulnerable

  (It’s not as scary as you think)

  When most people (including myself) hear the word vulnerability, their first reaction is, “I’ll pass, but thanks for asking.” I wish it could be that simple, but to have an emotionally close relationship, you’ve got to have yourself some vulnerability. Vulnerability is a cornerstone for any intimate relationship. Being vulnerable means your partner can see and reach you; they can access the real you.

  Without vulnerability, trust diminishes or becomes nonexistent. Some people think of trust as black and white: you either trust someone or you don’t. But trust is really along a continuum. There are many shades and grades of trust. You might trust your partner with money or not to cheat on you, but do you trust them with your heart? Do you share the difficult parts of yourself? Do you show them your soft underbelly, or do you think they’ll use this information against you or throw it back in your face in an argument?

  Without trust, true emotional closeness or intimacy is impossible. And this is where it all falls apart because, when intimacy is off the table, all you have left is that daily grind of commitment: bills, car pools, farting, towels left on the floor and sitting down to meals. Without commitment…. well, you can see where this is going.

  As I said earlier, vulnerability is one of those words most people don’t like to hear at first blush. I thought for most of my life that being vulnerable meant being exposed, which would open me to hurt, rejection and humiliation. So, I avoided it at all costs and my guess is that you’re doing (or have done) the same. Eleanor Roosevelt taught us many years ago that no one can make us feel inferior without our consent, but too often we can forget this lesson and put our self-esteem in other people’s hands. We tend to be very susceptible to others’ opinions of us, especially our partner, who can hurt us like no other.

  One of the hardest things about vulnerability is managing all the (emotional) uncertainty. Most of us like to be in control (I’m a control enthusiast myself). Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable means we’re giving up control: “What will my partner think?”; “Will they still want to be with me when they know about this?”; “Will they now see me as weak and take advantage of me?”

  We try to outrun vulnerability with control, making things as definite and certain as we can. The problem is that this is all fear-based thinking, and you can’t have a love relationship based on fear. Vulnerability leads to trust, openness, belonging, confidence, connection and happiness. These are all the love-based emotions.

  Brené Brown, the queen of vulnerability says, “The difficult thing is that vulnerability is the first thing I look for in you and the last thing I’m willing to show you. In you, it’s courage and daring. In me, it’s weakness.”29 This is an unconscious pattern so many of us are stuck in. Just realizing how much we like it and feel bonded when others are vulnerable can sometimes be enough motivation to get at least a little vulnerable ourselves.

  Brené Brown called her seminal book on vulnerability Daring Greatly. Do you know why? The phrase is actually from Theodore Roosevelt’s “Citizen in a Republic” speech (also known as “The Man in the Arena” speech) that he delivered at the Sorbonne in Paris, France, in 1910.30 This is the passage that made the speech famous:

  “It’s not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

  The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly... who at best knows the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”

  Vulnerability isn’t about being the victor or the loser. It’s understanding that both are necessary. It’s about being actively and courageously engaged in your life. It’s about being all in.

  It’s time to give up on the idea that you need to guard your heart. You can’t be fully intimate with your partner if you’re guarded. It’s time to give up the idea that anyone else, even your partner, can truly hurt you. It’s time to take responsibility and be brave in your approach to your life and relationship. This means, it’s time to be relentlessly vulnerable.

  The secret no one tells you about being vulnerable is that it’s not about being exposed: it’s about being accessible.

  The dictionary definition for accessible is: able to be reached and approachable. Isn’t this how you have to be in your relationship? Your partner needs to be able to reach you! And you need to be able to reach them.

  When you’re open and show your true self, your partner can access and connect with you. They can really get to know you. You can have true intimacy—true emotional closeness in your relationship, including the most important relationship of all: the one you have with yourself.

  When you let what’s on the inside show on the outside, your partner will be drawn to you, just as you’re drawn to your partner when they show you who they really are and let you in.

  Real-Life Example

  My client Jack said he couldn’t be vulnerable because his strong-willed wife, Amy, would walk all over him. So, he created what he called his “boundaries.” “If I don’t have these clear boundaries set up, she’ll mow right over me. So, I tell her when I’ll be home and it’s non-negotiable. I have a rule that she can’t talk about her work with me (or that’s all we talk about), and no talks after 7:00pm. I bike ride every Saturday morning until noon, no matter what, and it’s up to her to initiate sex because I’ve been shot down too many times and I’m sick of it.”

  When Jack came to me to do individual work, it was obvious that he was blaming so much of his unhappiness on his wife and marriage. I’m sure as you read what he said to me, you could feel his frustration, exasperation and annoyance.

  I explained to Jack that what he thought were boundaries were really walls. When we feel a need to be this rigid, it’s because we’re afraid. As I’ve said, if fear is driving your relationship, you’re in trouble! He kept insisting in his sessions that he didn’t trust Amy to keep the boundaries but, really, this wasn’t about his wife. This was about Jack not trusting himself to hold his own boundaries.

  It’s not up to your partner to keep your boundaries—it’s up to you to accept nothing less. In our work together, I wasn’t surprised to find out that Jack grew up with a father who trampled his boundaries at every turn (he actually became a CPA instead of going into psychology because his father refused to pay for college for anything else). Jack ended up blaming his father for his unfulfilling career (and many other things in his life) and then set himself up in a marriage with the same dynamic.

  Over the next couple of months, we worked on Jack’s self-esteem and confidence. He started to figure out what his boundaries really were (not just rules and walls), and what he really needed to feel loved and respected. The big breakthrough was that he started to hold his boundaries firmly. He started to realize that he was afraid to ask for what he really wanted. He was afraid to be vulnerable and show his true wants and needs because he was afraid of being rejected. He was afraid Amy wouldn’t meet him and then where would he be?